Heroes and Mascots: What Happens to Children in Alcoholic Homes

Janis L. McLaughlin, M.Ed., LCADA Prevention Coordinator

I have a friend who is a perfectionist and everyone admires her for it. Her home is perfect. It is done in excellent taste and is always in perfect order. I have seen her mount a three-month campaign to get just the right shade of fabric from which to make a valance for one window. Her children were always perfect, too. They got good grades, joined clubs, went to parties, went to college and are now raising families of their own. Everything looks perfect.Not everyone knows the price she pays. She becomes truly ill if things are not exactly as she needs them to be. She lives in terror that someone will discover she is not perfect. Emotionally she is “shut down.” She says the “right” things, “Oh my, I’m so sorry that happened to you,” and “You look really nice today,” and “I heard you were having trouble with your car, if there is anything I can do, please let me know.” She says these things, but there is nothing in her eyes behind the words. She says them because, like keeping a perfect house, she must look caring and considerate. The fact of the matter is that she is not in touch with her emotions, her self or any other person on the planet.

How did she get this way? Well, I happen to know an alcoholic father and a rage-aholic mother raised her. (We don’t often think of women as rage-aholics. We usually think of men as acting out in this way, but women scream, scold, and hit and go into the numbing “silent treatment” - a particularly vicious form of rage.) Her defense was to become perfect. If she could only be perfect then she would never attract negative attention. She also had the childish belief that if she could just be perfect enough she could “fix” her parents. Her parents have been deceased for years, but she is still trying to “get it right.”
Becoming perfect is just one of the defense postures adopted by children living in homes where there is alcoholism, gambling, overeating, drug abuse, work-aholism, and the like. Children try to cope the best they can. They develop behaviors that seem to work to protect them in bewildering and chaotic environments. Unfortunately, they are responding to abnormal situations with abnormal compensations. They begin a cycle that will be difficult to break - if they are lucky enough to find out that they are supposed to break it.
The youngster who becomes perfect or “The Family Hero” lives with inner feelings of inadequacy. Yet the family can point to them and say, “Look. We must be OK because Little Sally/Tommy is a high achiever.” Without help, Little Sally/Tommy becomes a workaholic adult who can never be wrong, takes responsibility for literally everything and who will probably marry a dependent person.
Another child may become the “Scapegoat” for the family. This child shows hostility, defiance and anger to the world. Inside are hidden feelings of hurt and guilt. But this Sally/Tommy serves a very important function in the family because he/she takes the focus off the person who really has the problem. By doing things that gain him/her all sorts of negative attention, the family can spend their time trying to “fix” Sally/Tommy rather than tackle the heart of the problem. Without help, this child goes on to unplanned pregnancies, trouble in school or in the community and many end up in prison.
Please understand that children do not “plan” to adopt these roles. They are only children trying to cope with impossible situations. Because they are children, they adopt irrational behaviors. Unfortunately, like any other habit, once these behaviors are ingrained, even though they do not work, they will persist. So later in life not only do they have a whole lot of behaviors to undo, they may have had life-changing consequences as a result of the behaviors such as prison or unplanned children, which make re-adjustment more difficult.
Yet another child may become the “Lost Child.” This waif is a loner who withdraws into feelings of loneliness and unimportance. Because this little one is “invisible,” the family often sighs with relief because there is one less child to worry about. Without help, as an adult the Lost Child has little zest for life, may have sexual identity problems, be extremely promiscuous or completely alone and, strangely enough, often dies at an early age.
Other children become the family “Mascot.” This is the fragile, immature, charming “clown” who needs protection. Inside they live with terrible fear but on the outside they provide fun and humor. They are often hyperactive, experience learning disabilities and have short attention spans. Often they never “grow up.” (Peter Pan may be a charming fairy tale character, but I wouldn’t want to be married to him!) They can’t handle stress and marry a “Hero” to have someone to take care of them.
You know people like those described here. Teachers and others working with children see these patterns developing and are helpless to do anything because the problem is in the home, not in the child. Trying to help the child would be sort of like trying to calm and comfort a child who is running up and down the street yelling because his house is on fire!
People who come to adulthood can get help for these dysfunctional behavior patterns and learn to take responsibility only for themselves, learn to accurately see reality, use their imaginations in positive ways and become healthy, emotionally stable people.
Far better, however, is for adults to recognize that their problems have terrible consequences for their children and to take steps to help themselves so they do not pass this heritage on to their children.
If you have questions, please call Heartland Circle of LCADA.